Deep breaths..... breath!  re read my last post... Well.... these feelings are still there, thank god they are not so intense and im going to give myself a pat on the back for not acting on those thoughts and feelings... Ive been on a huge learning curve and the self realisations are coming fast and quick... The new relationship was abit murky there and also a bit of a communication problem... all of which have resolved themselves. Had such a lovely hart to hart with him the other day and i realise many things... so... next steps for me are... continue on the path im on! its ok to look back and even shed a few tears... but dwelling is now banned! my new love interest is helping me realise so many things and i couldn't possibly begin to write them in a tangible way so ... yeh...ive decided im going to have faith in this relationship and trust in myself and him! im going to give love and also take down my re enforced wall! theres no need for me to be defencive or offencive... theres no need for me to be angry either... i have nothing to lose and everything to possibly gain.... the only real shit i would like to resolve right now is my career!....

Space!

SO fucking what..... i still love him... i miss him massively and fuck off everyone... i think im entitled! i have been battling with these thoughts and feelings for nigh on 5months.... at times im like ok lets rationalise this shit.... its normal... its aprt of the process... i can remember ten years ago when we split up feeling like this ect ect ect ....yeh yea and yes... ive tried being with another.... works for a while.... wears off... getting drunk... makes me sad and cry to much.... getting stoned... actually perpetuates this condition..... am i grieving?? am i love sick??? and what the fig shall doo?... right now im trying to be quiet with it... keep most to myself... which in itself has proven to give me a whole new issue... people want to see you ect... they care ect.... and haveing another man in toe... not helping right now and im also creating knew issues! he insecure n imature...and quiet frankly what i have going on is MY shit to deal with.. dont wanna share it...dont want to take stuff out on anyone esle either.... i just fucking loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Doug so much right now.............. all the negative stuff about seems not to matter at all... i miss  his smell... the feel of his skin... the way he held me... the way he knew me is about what realllly sums it up.... he never bothered me when i was in my quiet time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  shared memorys over 19years.... what can i say.... words dont even come close to it.... al the positives!!!!!!!!!!!! i did give him my best....the feelings have totally got the better of me... wonder if it will pass????????? gut wrenching! and this is what SPACE has led me to.

3.30am your havin a laff

oh and one other thing.... unless someones died or your in an emergency situation dont fucking ring me at twat o clock!

NO... NO... NO...

If being myself is an issue for you.... thats your issue. I havent been rude, or nasty so what is it you dont understand???? Its a case of  "YOU WERE NOT LISTENING FIRST TIME AROUND" i have reluctantly repeated myself and found myself explaining.. out of respect for you and the fact i give a shit.... i dont see that being returned... im not going to tiptoe around you or your feelings, cuz you know what, i happen to value my own!!!  If things dont "feel right" for you... thats also your look out.... im more than happy and content with where im at with myself , if your struggling.... sorry i cant help... im trying to help myself! ive got important issues that outweigh anything else ive got going on around me. It all starts with me........am im fucking important.... it took me years upon years to feel like this n value myself... i wont allow anyone to get in the way of this!