?

i  think about you every day..... i miss you each morning, on wakeing i shed a tear or too.... so many positive things in my life but yet i still mourn you...

ITS NOTHING BUT A BROKEND LUUU>> MYSTIC>>>PFACE>>>>LILLRED>>>LEIGHLEIGH>>>>PATS>>>>KEEPER>>>>>

 I've got so much garbage in my head to even begin to make much if any difference at all about where I'm currently at right now... bleh... i seen a book today it was called something like... 50 strategies to make decisions... I'm gonna buy that book.. I don't mind saying I'm fucking broken...smashed into billions of bitssssss! its not shocking or too scary.. has its moments but.. yea...well.... it just IS! I don't know why I'm going through this or what its about... got faith i will do one day...so...one i did figure out today is health.... health... health..... health.....health...  i have been manic for weeks now on n off...spiking irrationally ....exhausted... depressed.... crazily happy... and I've not lost my temper....still!why have i not??? my moods .... I'm normally down with where there pattern is.... haven't been for a year now.... its uncomfortable... different... haven't quiet yet reached out of control... which is why HEALTH!!!!!!!! all starts with healthy ....... I'm going to be good to myself and get healthy.... again!!!!!  oh and Rhonda's post about her inner voice really resonates with me... and the lady in the woods with a slight scottish accent sounds like me ... laughs peace! Oh and i love my mum.. had a wonderful day with her... mum has a quiet love, i admire her greatly... she is an inspiration to me! this is a very recent revelation to me x oh and tash and robert thank you so much.. i get it!!!!i know you never left me, always there and thank you x and i look forward to working with you more, your guidance is valuable.. respected and considered  x question everything! lol thanks sphere you teach so much and akl words dont seem enough i smile so broadly when i think of all ive learnt frum you i sumtimes feel ive not given enough back... gnite to myself ... rest well ... and be selfish lill red!

sames....

ok ok ok.... repeat button is on where it concerns the ex... ive been very poorly... ive managed to get some time to myself and today i feel so much brighter so far.. so far nobody has rang me or text me so.... im doing good. I really dont know if the new man in my life will cope with me and my time out and quite frankly.... not too bothered either, im either accpeted for the way i am or you know where the door is! i also decided i dont anyone an explanation either i feel these peoples have been around me for long enough n ive talked about myself in a good way i dont need to go on n on... i get it they want to be near me... i dont always want to be near them!

Deep breaths..... breath!  re read my last post... Well.... these feelings are still there, thank god they are not so intense and im going to give myself a pat on the back for not acting on those thoughts and feelings... Ive been on a huge learning curve and the self realisations are coming fast and quick... The new relationship was abit murky there and also a bit of a communication problem... all of which have resolved themselves. Had such a lovely hart to hart with him the other day and i realise many things... so... next steps for me are... continue on the path im on! its ok to look back and even shed a few tears... but dwelling is now banned! my new love interest is helping me realise so many things and i couldn't possibly begin to write them in a tangible way so ... yeh...ive decided im going to have faith in this relationship and trust in myself and him! im going to give love and also take down my re enforced wall! theres no need for me to be defencive or offencive... theres no need for me to be angry either... i have nothing to lose and everything to possibly gain.... the only real shit i would like to resolve right now is my career!....

Space!

SO fucking what..... i still love him... i miss him massively and fuck off everyone... i think im entitled! i have been battling with these thoughts and feelings for nigh on 5months.... at times im like ok lets rationalise this shit.... its normal... its aprt of the process... i can remember ten years ago when we split up feeling like this ect ect ect ....yeh yea and yes... ive tried being with another.... works for a while.... wears off... getting drunk... makes me sad and cry to much.... getting stoned... actually perpetuates this condition..... am i grieving?? am i love sick??? and what the fig shall doo?... right now im trying to be quiet with it... keep most to myself... which in itself has proven to give me a whole new issue... people want to see you ect... they care ect.... and haveing another man in toe... not helping right now and im also creating knew issues! he insecure n imature...and quiet frankly what i have going on is MY shit to deal with.. dont wanna share it...dont want to take stuff out on anyone esle either.... i just fucking loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Doug so much right now.............. all the negative stuff about seems not to matter at all... i miss  his smell... the feel of his skin... the way he held me... the way he knew me is about what realllly sums it up.... he never bothered me when i was in my quiet time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  shared memorys over 19years.... what can i say.... words dont even come close to it.... al the positives!!!!!!!!!!!! i did give him my best....the feelings have totally got the better of me... wonder if it will pass????????? gut wrenching! and this is what SPACE has led me to.

3.30am your havin a laff

oh and one other thing.... unless someones died or your in an emergency situation dont fucking ring me at twat o clock!

NO... NO... NO...

If being myself is an issue for you.... thats your issue. I havent been rude, or nasty so what is it you dont understand???? Its a case of  "YOU WERE NOT LISTENING FIRST TIME AROUND" i have reluctantly repeated myself and found myself explaining.. out of respect for you and the fact i give a shit.... i dont see that being returned... im not going to tiptoe around you or your feelings, cuz you know what, i happen to value my own!!!  If things dont "feel right" for you... thats also your look out.... im more than happy and content with where im at with myself , if your struggling.... sorry i cant help... im trying to help myself! ive got important issues that outweigh anything else ive got going on around me. It all starts with me........am im fucking important.... it took me years upon years to feel like this n value myself... i wont allow anyone to get in the way of this!

Seriously.... Its NOT True.. Its Great...

Im Laughing... its not true.... i am not unlucky! I know ive got Derrick and the up and coming cutting the crazy fool out my EYE! He is the most hardass cyst ive met to date....and the cheeky twat is costing me my collage funds.... yep the ones ive been saving for a year...The old stuff and the Ectopic and Not finishing collage and such like....ect... i figure it all makes me a better human being... i dont take things for granted...i appreciate all.... i dont assume ANYTHING... so guys give me a break.... can yous not see the huge POSITIVES im experiencing!

Its An Ocean!

Hmmmm ... nah... not going back to the green with envy chat inside my head.... im still aware... been pretty fucked up since my last post and also had some amazingly wonderful enlightening times too x  balance, harmony, peace! there is no blame...its kool...im still moving forward! SAFE!...everything is good. my fears n doubts only hold things up, very limiting... out with them thoughts!.the goal.... To Be Free.

what is it...

Love...? Lust...? lonelyness....? dont know... dont care. im off to therapy just a wee note to remind myself about how envyous some are totally green! its ugly, unpleasant and i dont want no part of it...atall... your top of my avoid at all costs list! i shall come back to this!

its real!

oh for fucks sake.... i walked around the food memorised by the pregnant lady... she was absolutely glowing... 2kids trailing around her.. nice fella... both very well dressed... 30mins later my mum said Leigh please stop it... i said i dont know why i keep looking at them.. she replied... its ok youve lost another baby but quit with the staring!  when we got back in the car //... the one id earlier wrecked ....oopss.. she added its only a car.... babys are real!

lifes a ride

its just a rollercoaster!  i can do this by my self i can i can i can!

Why Do I Do That....

On reflection... it was a massive hole you dug yourself... with me! how very dare you!!!! have you ever had a stranger look through your personal belongings? ... commenting on my underwear left me speechless. Why didnt i say anything..hmmm  maybe because i didnt realise when it was said just how fucking intrusive it is... who knows? wouldnt exactly call myself a pushover, but im sat here wondering if i am?   i been asking myself... why did he let her do that?  

Brick by Brick

Thank the lord thats all done with.... finally some progress. Sometimes you gotta sink before you can swim, or in my case paddle around a tad!! being stuborn helps me be selfish in the right wayz! ..... lego!

im spent

i quit!

Sorry... but shes a dudette!

i agree with most of what you wrote... thats why your shit makes sense to me .... always enjoy it. I dont think its pointless either and yeh mine has a simmular effect on me... your world is yours and what you do is healthy doll!

my blogs got the worng name

its really the back to bitch orginal blog!

im as sour as the wine ive necked!

Whats it all about i hear you ask?? phaahaa! well if i had a make sensible answer for that i wouldnt be sitting in pile of hopelessness im currently in!  "dont annoy me" a term heavily used by my dad... i find myself saying it alot!!!!! it really equates to ... im annoying myself!.... next... "I dont know what to say to you anymore"... you didnt know what to say to me from day 1! im kool with that.... you dont know me so well, so for now im comfortable with anything..within reason lol...its all about everything..... it started just over a year ago....(the inpending doom! lol) today im sat here at whatever time in the morning.. dogging work.. pissed on red wine..and stoned... im as sour as the wine ive necked!  its about losing.. yep its all about loss!    and its about all my worlds coliding.... inner and outer!  too tired to vent full on RED rage...but ill muster a FUCK YOU AND DONT ANNOY ME!

its the little things.....

its really not me... well at least i dont hink it is today....  ate my m&ms... and left me 3! im laughing but its really not funny.. im trying to be rational as after all its just a packet of m&ms.... imature i know but ya know what it equates to to me.... if you can eat my sweets and leave me 3, well actaully off me the last 3! what other goodies of mine could you take if given the oppertunity and leave me with a few morssels.... a few scraps left on your plate.....and i do know this for sure... i have a horde of goodies to offer...infact masses!!! im nice but that also doesnt equate to easily pleased or passive!!!!! i have repaetedly given myself a slap at how utterly silly it is... but i always get the measure of folk by the little things..... and then this morning....dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn...POW! ate my porridge and wait for it.... my blueberries.... now ... bearing in mind that m&ms aint my favourtie sweet and i dont really know why i bought them... well obviously i wanted to eat them... at my leisure of course.... but porridge n blueberries are my VITAL start to my day... im all for shareing, ive never been selfish, which is half the problem....but and there it is BUT if someone eats my porridge at 6.30am ..whilst im still half pissed on red wine feeling quiet ill and informs me talking to me is like talking to a closed door...well...HELL hath no fury like a woman scorned! ..... n that closed door can be  locked too!

Endless Thoughts........

They are just thoughts!!!! millions of them flying around... trying to sit the bastards out! ive cried and cried and cried for a few days now... i will never complaine again that i feel emotionless! lol...   i have no idea how to move forward, i dont know what i want, where im going.. and i dont know who i am... Blessings to all!

1..2..3.. and im back in the room

Pregnancy...ectopic, hosptial and operation job! my emotions seem to have umm.. uped  left me. Id rather feel angry than this endless nothing......looking in a mirror... n who the fuck am i looking at... just a month ago i could say i had a great sense of self... today, nope.. nothing, zero.. sighs.                                                                                      " maybe i know somewhere deep in my soul..that love never lasts...and weve got to find other ways to make it alone...or keep a straight face...and ive always lived like this....keeping a comfortable ......distance. up untill id sworn to myself that i am content with loneliness, because non of it was ever the worth the risk..... YOU ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTION!!! gotta love that paramore track!                be good to yourself people!

Attention! it will get better

i never intended this blog to contain such concerns.... i tried for a baby for 19years... paid thousands for ivf treatments...got pregnant once through ivf and it was ectopic, hence me having a fallopian tube removed, which was already fucked up so... that was 4years ago...i knocked it all on the head and decided to go back to collage and study to be a person centred therapist..ive had to take this year out as my long term relationship broke down and i am no longer in a comfortable position to pay for it.. i am still working my placements in hope i will get to go back , finish and qualify in sept..so although i had a tough year i was so happy to be in a better place with myself , my life and my choices... the choice's I've made of late have been absolutely amazing...life enhancing....so....i meet a new man...3weeks later I'm pregnant! naturally! this is a miracle, its never happened to me before .. i believed it was impossible...now i feel it was due to a previous unhealthy relationship...could never relax! eggshells!,,,then i start bleeding...i instantly think...shit its ectopic,,,,, its not.... they think its a miscarriage...so I've been in bed for 2 days....bored shitless with a mind full of thoughts, and more thoughts... my cousin died 2days ago...32...gutted.... my emotions are all over the shop... all I've heard for days on end about a zillions things is "WHY"..... you know what sometimes i say "WHY NOT",,,,i know that most likely doesn't make much sense,,,its kinda like that is the glass half empty or half full analogy,,i still have faith..... it will get better,,