Endless Thoughts........

They are just thoughts!!!! millions of them flying around... trying to sit the bastards out! ive cried and cried and cried for a few days now... i will never complaine again that i feel emotionless! lol...   i have no idea how to move forward, i dont know what i want, where im going.. and i dont know who i am... Blessings to all!

1..2..3.. and im back in the room

Pregnancy...ectopic, hosptial and operation job! my emotions seem to have umm.. uped  left me. Id rather feel angry than this endless nothing......looking in a mirror... n who the fuck am i looking at... just a month ago i could say i had a great sense of self... today, nope.. nothing, zero.. sighs.                                                                                      " maybe i know somewhere deep in my soul..that love never lasts...and weve got to find other ways to make it alone...or keep a straight face...and ive always lived like this....keeping a comfortable ......distance. up untill id sworn to myself that i am content with loneliness, because non of it was ever the worth the risk..... YOU ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTION!!! gotta love that paramore track!                be good to yourself people!

Attention! it will get better

i never intended this blog to contain such concerns.... i tried for a baby for 19years... paid thousands for ivf treatments...got pregnant once through ivf and it was ectopic, hence me having a fallopian tube removed, which was already fucked up so... that was 4years ago...i knocked it all on the head and decided to go back to collage and study to be a person centred therapist..ive had to take this year out as my long term relationship broke down and i am no longer in a comfortable position to pay for it.. i am still working my placements in hope i will get to go back , finish and qualify in sept..so although i had a tough year i was so happy to be in a better place with myself , my life and my choices... the choice's I've made of late have been absolutely amazing...life enhancing....so....i meet a new man...3weeks later I'm pregnant! naturally! this is a miracle, its never happened to me before .. i believed it was impossible...now i feel it was due to a previous unhealthy relationship...could never relax! eggshells!,,,then i start bleeding...i instantly think...shit its ectopic,,,,, its not.... they think its a miscarriage...so I've been in bed for 2 days....bored shitless with a mind full of thoughts, and more thoughts... my cousin died 2days ago...32...gutted.... my emotions are all over the shop... all I've heard for days on end about a zillions things is "WHY"..... you know what sometimes i say "WHY NOT",,,,i know that most likely doesn't make much sense,,,its kinda like that is the glass half empty or half full analogy,,i still have faith..... it will get better,,