Sorry... but shes a dudette!

i agree with most of what you wrote... thats why your shit makes sense to me .... always enjoy it. I dont think its pointless either and yeh mine has a simmular effect on me... your world is yours and what you do is healthy doll!

my blogs got the worng name

its really the back to bitch orginal blog!

im as sour as the wine ive necked!

Whats it all about i hear you ask?? phaahaa! well if i had a make sensible answer for that i wouldnt be sitting in pile of hopelessness im currently in!  "dont annoy me" a term heavily used by my dad... i find myself saying it alot!!!!! it really equates to ... im annoying myself!.... next... "I dont know what to say to you anymore"... you didnt know what to say to me from day 1! im kool with that.... you dont know me so well, so for now im comfortable with anything..within reason lol...its all about everything..... it started just over a year ago....(the inpending doom! lol) today im sat here at whatever time in the morning.. dogging work.. pissed on red wine..and stoned... im as sour as the wine ive necked!  its about losing.. yep its all about loss!    and its about all my worlds coliding.... inner and outer!  too tired to vent full on RED rage...but ill muster a FUCK YOU AND DONT ANNOY ME!

its the little things.....

its really not me... well at least i dont hink it is today....  ate my m&ms... and left me 3! im laughing but its really not funny.. im trying to be rational as after all its just a packet of m&ms.... imature i know but ya know what it equates to to me.... if you can eat my sweets and leave me 3, well actaully off me the last 3! what other goodies of mine could you take if given the oppertunity and leave me with a few morssels.... a few scraps left on your plate.....and i do know this for sure... i have a horde of goodies to offer...infact masses!!! im nice but that also doesnt equate to easily pleased or passive!!!!! i have repaetedly given myself a slap at how utterly silly it is... but i always get the measure of folk by the little things..... and then this morning....dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn...POW! ate my porridge and wait for it.... my blueberries.... now ... bearing in mind that m&ms aint my favourtie sweet and i dont really know why i bought them... well obviously i wanted to eat them... at my leisure of course.... but porridge n blueberries are my VITAL start to my day... im all for shareing, ive never been selfish, which is half the problem....but and there it is BUT if someone eats my porridge at 6.30am ..whilst im still half pissed on red wine feeling quiet ill and informs me talking to me is like talking to a closed door...well...HELL hath no fury like a woman scorned! ..... n that closed door can be  locked too!

Endless Thoughts........

They are just thoughts!!!! millions of them flying around... trying to sit the bastards out! ive cried and cried and cried for a few days now... i will never complaine again that i feel emotionless! lol...   i have no idea how to move forward, i dont know what i want, where im going.. and i dont know who i am... Blessings to all!

1..2..3.. and im back in the room

Pregnancy...ectopic, hosptial and operation job! my emotions seem to have umm.. uped  left me. Id rather feel angry than this endless nothing......looking in a mirror... n who the fuck am i looking at... just a month ago i could say i had a great sense of self... today, nope.. nothing, zero.. sighs.                                                                                      " maybe i know somewhere deep in my soul..that love never lasts...and weve got to find other ways to make it alone...or keep a straight face...and ive always lived like this....keeping a comfortable ......distance. up untill id sworn to myself that i am content with loneliness, because non of it was ever the worth the risk..... YOU ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTION!!! gotta love that paramore track!                be good to yourself people!

Attention! it will get better

i never intended this blog to contain such concerns.... i tried for a baby for 19years... paid thousands for ivf treatments...got pregnant once through ivf and it was ectopic, hence me having a fallopian tube removed, which was already fucked up so... that was 4years ago...i knocked it all on the head and decided to go back to collage and study to be a person centred therapist..ive had to take this year out as my long term relationship broke down and i am no longer in a comfortable position to pay for it.. i am still working my placements in hope i will get to go back , finish and qualify in sept..so although i had a tough year i was so happy to be in a better place with myself , my life and my choices... the choice's I've made of late have been absolutely amazing...life enhancing....so....i meet a new man...3weeks later I'm pregnant! naturally! this is a miracle, its never happened to me before .. i believed it was impossible...now i feel it was due to a previous unhealthy relationship...could never relax! eggshells!,,,then i start bleeding...i instantly think...shit its ectopic,,,,, its not.... they think its a miscarriage...so I've been in bed for 2 days....bored shitless with a mind full of thoughts, and more thoughts... my cousin died 2days ago...32...gutted.... my emotions are all over the shop... all I've heard for days on end about a zillions things is "WHY"..... you know what sometimes i say "WHY NOT",,,,i know that most likely doesn't make much sense,,,its kinda like that is the glass half empty or half full analogy,,i still have faith..... it will get better,,