?

i  think about you every day..... i miss you each morning, on wakeing i shed a tear or too.... so many positive things in my life but yet i still mourn you...

ITS NOTHING BUT A BROKEND LUUU>> MYSTIC>>>PFACE>>>>LILLRED>>>LEIGHLEIGH>>>>PATS>>>>KEEPER>>>>>

 I've got so much garbage in my head to even begin to make much if any difference at all about where I'm currently at right now... bleh... i seen a book today it was called something like... 50 strategies to make decisions... I'm gonna buy that book.. I don't mind saying I'm fucking broken...smashed into billions of bitssssss! its not shocking or too scary.. has its moments but.. yea...well.... it just IS! I don't know why I'm going through this or what its about... got faith i will do one day...so...one i did figure out today is health.... health... health..... health.....health...  i have been manic for weeks now on n off...spiking irrationally ....exhausted... depressed.... crazily happy... and I've not lost my temper....still!why have i not??? my moods .... I'm normally down with where there pattern is.... haven't been for a year now.... its uncomfortable... different... haven't quiet yet reached out of control... which is why HEALTH!!!!!!!! all starts with healthy ....... I'm going to be good to myself and get healthy.... again!!!!!  oh and Rhonda's post about her inner voice really resonates with me... and the lady in the woods with a slight scottish accent sounds like me ... laughs peace! Oh and i love my mum.. had a wonderful day with her... mum has a quiet love, i admire her greatly... she is an inspiration to me! this is a very recent revelation to me x oh and tash and robert thank you so much.. i get it!!!!i know you never left me, always there and thank you x and i look forward to working with you more, your guidance is valuable.. respected and considered  x question everything! lol thanks sphere you teach so much and akl words dont seem enough i smile so broadly when i think of all ive learnt frum you i sumtimes feel ive not given enough back... gnite to myself ... rest well ... and be selfish lill red!

sames....

ok ok ok.... repeat button is on where it concerns the ex... ive been very poorly... ive managed to get some time to myself and today i feel so much brighter so far.. so far nobody has rang me or text me so.... im doing good. I really dont know if the new man in my life will cope with me and my time out and quite frankly.... not too bothered either, im either accpeted for the way i am or you know where the door is! i also decided i dont anyone an explanation either i feel these peoples have been around me for long enough n ive talked about myself in a good way i dont need to go on n on... i get it they want to be near me... i dont always want to be near them!

Deep breaths..... breath!  re read my last post... Well.... these feelings are still there, thank god they are not so intense and im going to give myself a pat on the back for not acting on those thoughts and feelings... Ive been on a huge learning curve and the self realisations are coming fast and quick... The new relationship was abit murky there and also a bit of a communication problem... all of which have resolved themselves. Had such a lovely hart to hart with him the other day and i realise many things... so... next steps for me are... continue on the path im on! its ok to look back and even shed a few tears... but dwelling is now banned! my new love interest is helping me realise so many things and i couldn't possibly begin to write them in a tangible way so ... yeh...ive decided im going to have faith in this relationship and trust in myself and him! im going to give love and also take down my re enforced wall! theres no need for me to be defencive or offencive... theres no need for me to be angry either... i have nothing to lose and everything to possibly gain.... the only real shit i would like to resolve right now is my career!....

Space!

SO fucking what..... i still love him... i miss him massively and fuck off everyone... i think im entitled! i have been battling with these thoughts and feelings for nigh on 5months.... at times im like ok lets rationalise this shit.... its normal... its aprt of the process... i can remember ten years ago when we split up feeling like this ect ect ect ....yeh yea and yes... ive tried being with another.... works for a while.... wears off... getting drunk... makes me sad and cry to much.... getting stoned... actually perpetuates this condition..... am i grieving?? am i love sick??? and what the fig shall doo?... right now im trying to be quiet with it... keep most to myself... which in itself has proven to give me a whole new issue... people want to see you ect... they care ect.... and haveing another man in toe... not helping right now and im also creating knew issues! he insecure n imature...and quiet frankly what i have going on is MY shit to deal with.. dont wanna share it...dont want to take stuff out on anyone esle either.... i just fucking loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Doug so much right now.............. all the negative stuff about seems not to matter at all... i miss  his smell... the feel of his skin... the way he held me... the way he knew me is about what realllly sums it up.... he never bothered me when i was in my quiet time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  shared memorys over 19years.... what can i say.... words dont even come close to it.... al the positives!!!!!!!!!!!! i did give him my best....the feelings have totally got the better of me... wonder if it will pass????????? gut wrenching! and this is what SPACE has led me to.

3.30am your havin a laff

oh and one other thing.... unless someones died or your in an emergency situation dont fucking ring me at twat o clock!

NO... NO... NO...

If being myself is an issue for you.... thats your issue. I havent been rude, or nasty so what is it you dont understand???? Its a case of  "YOU WERE NOT LISTENING FIRST TIME AROUND" i have reluctantly repeated myself and found myself explaining.. out of respect for you and the fact i give a shit.... i dont see that being returned... im not going to tiptoe around you or your feelings, cuz you know what, i happen to value my own!!!  If things dont "feel right" for you... thats also your look out.... im more than happy and content with where im at with myself , if your struggling.... sorry i cant help... im trying to help myself! ive got important issues that outweigh anything else ive got going on around me. It all starts with me........am im fucking important.... it took me years upon years to feel like this n value myself... i wont allow anyone to get in the way of this!